Talk about taking a deep plunge into anger, sadness and grief with only periodic glimpses of dim light!  Gee whiz – will I ever get a break?

Here I am thinking that I’m okay…that I’ve done enough work on myself to carry on with my life and feel good (for most of the time) and then I get sent down a dark tunnel of dismay.  I have to believe that the things that are happening are happening for a reason.  I have to keep thinking that this might be the beginning of the end.

For the past month I’ve been going to a counsellor to discuss my ambition to lead an authentic life.  I felt as if I had some unfinished business and I needed outside help…I want to be true to who I am and to live from my heart (whatever that means) and this past weekend I realised that I actually don’t have the ability to know what that means.

You don’t know what you don’t know – eh?  Well…I didn’t know that I don’t know how to be authentic, so now that I know perhaps I can do something about it? Nuts – isn’t it.

It all started with my counsellor recommending that I read ‘Home Coming,’ by John Bradshaw.  She asked me to read it and when it came to a part for group work, she would help me through it.  When I read the front cover and it said ‘reclaiming & championing your inner child,’ I immediately thought – ‘No…I don’t want to read this. It’s American rubbish… The past is the past and that’s where I want to leave it.  I’m happy with my inner child (whoever that is).’

Not to disappoint, of course, I read the first chapter and took the little yes/no test.  It’s called the ‘Wounded Child Questionnaire’.  There are 60 questions like, ‘I experience anxiety and fear whenever I contemplate doing anything,’ (tick!) and ‘I feel ashamed when I get mad,’ (tick!) and ‘I basically distrust everyone, including myself,’ (tick!).

As I went through the list I was happy to find that there were many questions that were a strong ‘no’, however the younger Kim would have probably ticked all ‘yes’s’.  Pheew…a sigh of relief. I must be okay now…. Then at the bottom the book states, ‘If you answered yes to ten or more of these questions, you need to do some serious work.’  I answered yes to twenty questions.

No – before you say that I shouldn’t base my possibility for being authentic on a book, I have to add that I’ve read the first few chapters and although I find myself crying, I keep nodding my head ‘yes – that’s me…’  There is something in this and I must keep going…

Okay…the premise of this book is this.  If you grew up in a dysfunctional family (having parents that were addicts, alcoholics, abusers, workaholics, etc) you didn’t have the opportunity to form the beliefs necessary to lead a fulfilling life.  The author explains that it’s like being born into a family where the father and mother look mature but are still children themselves.  And you can’t blame the parents as it’s their parents that were dysfunctional and their parents before them…and so the line of dysfunctional ancestors reach back to the days of post Eden.

The author explains that “every child needs desperately to know that (a) her parents are healthy and able to take care of her and (b) that she matters to them.”

“Mattering means that the child’s specialness is reflected in the eyes of her parents…Mattering is also indicated by the amount of time they spend with her. Children know intuitively that people give time to what they love.  Parents shame their children by not having time with them…”

The author further explains that children from dysfunctional family lose a sense of ‘I AMness’.  For example, a drug addicted mother and a co-dependant enabling father cannot be there for their child.  They’re not emotionally present for themselves so they can’t be there for their child…

And this was the corker for me…”The frustration of a child’s desire to be loved as a person and to have his love accepted is the greatest trauma that a child can experience.   No dysfunctional family can give their child what she needs because they are too needy themselves. “

So…as I read on I realised that I missed out on some serious core things.  I remember crying myself to sleep thinking that no one loved me.  And when my parents tried to get me to tell them why I was crying…I couldn’t.  I couldn’t tell them that I felt unloved…because as a child I deduced that I was so flawed that it was something I did wrong.  I deduced that I was unlovable.  I remember asking God to please take me away.

Thankfully my dad told me that people that commit suicide go to hell.  I think that small statement stopped me from taking my life – I was too afraid to live in hell.

[To my mom and dad if you happen to see this… Please don’t feel bad.  You went through the same thing as me and you knew no better.  Just as I might pass these things onto my daughter…you don’t freaking know what you don’t know.  Because if you did, you would have done it different. No one is to blame…we all just need to sort it out as there’s a better way to live that what we were taught.]

I’ve spoken to some people that come from non-dysfunctional families lately and I’m blown away by their take on life. They actually wake up happy.

I wake up every day dreading the fact that I have to live another day…but thankfully I have a daily ritual that forces me to see the light and enjoy life.  After my morning coffee shop time, I’m actually a happy person…I remind myself that I’m a good person, that I deserve the best in life…and read my spiritual books.  Its helps me to get my head in the right place…  And of course – when I see my daughter I light up and know that I have a purpose. I thought this was normal…I thought everyone woke up depressed…

I also discovered that non-dysfunctional people are not afraid of the world.  They know they aren’t flawed.  They have a core personality…they know who they are and what they stand for.

In the book it explains that people like me have a core, but we had to change it from such a young age that we lose touch with it.  We tried to be what our parents want us to be…but since that changed from day to day (or hour to hour) we become pleasers or worse, we just emotionally shut out everyone around us.  We learned that our feelings didn’t matter…we learned to be quiet…we learned that if we wanted anything in this world, we needed to do it ourselves.

We learned that the only person we can rely on is ourselves…and since we’re flawed its like being up a creek without a paddle.  We desperately tried to get love any way we can and in the end it’s a game where we can’t ever succeed.  So…we grow up with a tear in our hearts that never gets mended…

I really don’t know what it means to be authentic.  I don’t know what it means to live from my heart.  Seriously…I have no idea what that means.

The book states this: “One way adult children avoid their legitimate suffering is by staying in their heads.  This involves obsessing about things, analysing, discussing, reading and spending lots of time trying to figure things out.”  That is me in a nutshell…

The author also explains, “…growing up in a dysfunctional family is like getting to a movie in the middle and understanding the plot.”  Wow…does that hit home (pun intended – I haven’t lost my sense of humour).

So – where do I go from here?  I don’t know.  I meet with my counsellor on Thursday… I thought I was scared before but now I just want to hide in a cave.  Don’t worry – I won’t!